Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
