Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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