Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
