you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
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If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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