Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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