I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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