Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
