Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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