This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i think my mom watched the whole time
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
