I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
