i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
