Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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