i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Semen is not good for contacts.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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