I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
