my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
