dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
