I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
