Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Jerry, you need to find god
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
