There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
