drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
