so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You pole danced in your parka.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
