Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
