Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
