i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
My ATM looks so different sober.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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