When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
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I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
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He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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