Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
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I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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