I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I looked at my own cervix.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
