you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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