Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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