my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
