There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
