Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
