it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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