my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
