The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Randomize
