You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
