never play flip cup with pint glasses
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
