I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
