Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We are all done wearing pants today
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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