I wish I could teleport
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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