Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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