I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
