i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
