I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
