Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
