My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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