not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
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It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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