John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
