I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
