I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
