she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
