I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
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Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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