omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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