Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I could make wine with my vomit
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Randomize
